'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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