the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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