I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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