yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
