Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
