i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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