i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
