my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
