Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
