I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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