is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
