Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
