Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
