Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
