the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
