The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
