honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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