My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
