I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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