I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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