I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
