Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
