tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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