checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is Oprah even human
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
