I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
