Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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