Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
