nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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