I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize