I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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