I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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