Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was CRYING into my vagina
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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