i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
