i already hear my dad disowning me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need to sanitize my soul.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
