ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
