you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
