I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
