I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
