This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
