I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
