Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
