good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
