so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
