how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
