i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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