I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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