Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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