I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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