we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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