I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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