I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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