I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
