I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
