You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
