no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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