when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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